writer, warrior, whack-a-doodle

Every Cracker Deserves the Finest Cheese

Every Cracker Deserves the Finest Cheese

January 9, 2012
Posted in: Dogs, Totally Random | Reading Time: 5 minutes

If you told me 10 years ago, I would adopt a lunatic dog from Taiwan with a serious case of crackery-nosis, maybe I would believe you. But if you told me I would be journaling his ridiculous behavior on the Web and writing in his ridiculous tough-guy Raymond Chandler voice, I'd laugh and ask you who the hell Raymond Chandler was.

As far as I'm concerned, Loki wrote the book on crackery. When I got him, I had no idea what I was in for. Blogging about that crackery helped us discover we are not alone, but in a world filled with cracked-out dogs.  And because of that, Wild Dingo, for the second year in a row, is a proud sponsor of Mango Minster, only the hippest, most righteous annual dog show on the Net. This year, all categories are open to all critters, canine, feline, equine, bovine and more. Naturally we sponsor the cracker critters category.

In addition, this year, Loki was honored with being called to Judge the cracker category at Mango Minster.  And as a cracker would do be prone to do, he jumped 87 feet high for joy at the opportunity. Obviously, Loki knows a lot about being a cracker. Just check out his entry for the first year cracker was offered at Mango Minster.

For those out there not familiar with cracker dogs, here are a few photos and videos to demonstrate a few of their fine qualities:

Toof-Showin' Bitey Face isn't just a sport. It's a lifestyle.

Highly and vocally opinionated. 
Um, Dogtor Hilary, don’t look back. There’s an long-toothed Formosanorous Rex behind you. Stay perfectly calm. I hear they will walk away if you just remain still. Or at least shut their pie hole.

Full of sass while they're trying to look like Cujo.
"Cupcake come any closer and I'll cancel your Christmas."

Able to leap to tall tugs in a single bound.
"Your tug, is lifting me higher, than I've ever, been lifted, before." Sing it babies!

Loki as Ga-Ga

Speaking of singing: They usually have an inappropriate crush.
"My momma told me when I was  young, we were all born superstars."

They have irrational fears.
“You mean to tell me you did ALL THAT WORK just for a drink of water that you could have gotten less than a foot away without any work?”
“Yes but Princess, the Lac Leman-ness Monster is constantly moving that lake and he’s gonna get me!”

And in case  you didn't know, cracker dogs are a little edgy .

I could go on and on about the unexplainable zoomies, non-stop talking, hissyfits and well, just more plain crackery. But I think you get the picture.

Naturally, the show is very competitive, so there are allegations of judge-bribing running rampant among the blogosphere. But here's Loki's official response to all of that:

"It’s totally hip-to-the-tip to be called for jury duty at Mango Minster. The cracker category is only the most righteous category in the show. Top of the heap, babies.

Some crackers are born. Some crackers are made. I was born and made a cracker. I was one of the first crackers outted on the ‘Net. And I know all the cracker tricks in the book. Crackery isn’t about blowin’ your jets or losin’ your cool. It’s about flippin’ your wig, chargin’ your choppers and blasting yourself whacky for no reason at all.

Just because I’m a cracker doesn’t mean I don’t have ethics. I got a points system. But it’s under wraps. After all, cracker rules supreme. Chaos is part of the game.

Word on the street is that some judges at Mango Minster are on the take. But not me. This ain’t no flimflam. And I ain’t no goon from Saskatoon. I got morals. They may be low, but they’re morals. And living in Switzerland, I’ve already got friends in the bones and treats bank.

But every hepcat has his price babies. So if you are into bribing, fess up. Throw me a bone in the giggle department. See if I take the bait. 

So don’t let the grass grow in your ears. Get up and hit the crackery high and hard. Give me a large charge with your entry. Then fall in and dig the happenings babies.  Go, cool cat, go!"


As his PR agent, I can tell you, I've never seen him on the take. He's cracked-out for sure, but he's always been loyal and righteous. Sometimes a little too righteous if you catch my drift. Still, it takes a cracker to know a cracker and I'm pretty certain that though I haven't seen him on the take, only a real cracker dog can flip him to the dark side.

So are you cracker enough to crack the King of Crackers? Go ahead and try. I won't report you. Honest.


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14 comments on “Every Cracker Deserves the Finest Cheese”

  1. The best part about cracker dogs is they're tough to bribe. I mean, what can anyone POSSIBLY offer that is more appealing than tearing around the yard while bearing one's pearly whites at one's sibling? It really doesn't get any better than that. Unless you are doing it in snow, that it is... All that said, with you as King Cracker, Abby didn't think she'd be remotely competitive. However, we're going to have fun watching all you cracker-types - as long as you stay the hell away from us! 😉

    *kissey face*
    -Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus

  2. Since all sorts of pets can enter this year, maybe Mr. WD should enter the AAAAWWWWW category. Just sayin. Loki, YOU da man for this job, dude.

    -Bart and Ruby

  3. I am loving jaws of doom behind the hapless vet giving Miss Thing her massage. I had forgotten how scary it was to ride with MWD. Wow! I can't believe you survived.


  4. Mango has a hughness of talent for discerning talent, doesn't he? And woo know what they say... "takes one to know one"... ha-roo roo roo! just sayin....

    jack & moo

  5. Loki's cracker dog entry is still one of my all time favorite Mango Minster moments! That along with Mr. Wild Dingo in the cone of shame.

    I admit it, I nearly peed my pants when I read the "cancel your Christmas" line! Loki, don't ever change! I love your cracker dog because he makes mine look like (a little bit) less of a cracker.

  6. Abby is gratified [and relieved] to read Judge Loki's statement on his strong ethics and firm integrity. Whew! Abby is confident Judge Loki could not be bribed with mere things. She is more concerned about the wily contestant who might provide a supreme cracker experience: bungee jumping over a river full of crocodiles, for example, or riding a hot air balloon over New Zealand, where their balloons seem prone to burst into flame. Rest assured, Judge Loki, Abby is here for you should you need moral rearmament and reinforcement. Think of Abby as your Cracker Dogs Anonymous sponsor, should you be even slightly tempted.

    We listened to the driving video and mama actually had to turn the volume off during the Mr. WD driving segments because Abby and Jed were so disturbed by Loki's distress. Abby actually clambered down from her sofa, interrupting her meditations, to investigate the source of such agony. Maybe Loki should also try the gluten-free diet?

    Jed & Abby the Legal Beagle[mix] Extraordinaire and Official Guardian of Ethics for Mango Minster 2012

  7. Dare I say that I think that my R might rival Loki in the "Cracker Dog" category? The main question is whether I have the photos to prove it... They would be quite a pair together. I'm imagining how loud that car would be...

    We're going to figure out Loki's price 🙂

  8. Abby and I have been pondering your professed 'no bribe' thing, and as Frankie was able to show to us, everyone has their price. So, Mr. Loki, Cracker Dog... what would it be? A visit from a 'worthy adversary' - one who could zoomie and bitey with you, never wearing out? Or... would it be a GINORMOUS tug-toy - something that you could latch on to and be whirled around the yard by Mr. WD (or, conversely, something with which YOU could whirl Mr. WD around the yard with...). If Abby were a Cracker Dog (an elite-level cracker dog, that is), I think we'd be looking for the hugest tug-toy we could find! 😉

    *kissey face*
    -Fiona the Virtuous and Abby the Hippobottomus

  9. From Switzerland's best Formosan to the American Midwest's cracked-out whack-a-doodle Malinois, Phoenix agrees with everything Loki says. Everything. Soulmates, man.

  10. We are stopping by to meet the Cracker Judge for MM2012. We can see why you are the judge for this category. Being hounds I think we are up for the challenge this year. Sniffs, The "Cracker" HoundDogs

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