If you told me 10 years ago, I would adopt a lunatic dog from Taiwan with a serious case of crackery-nosis, maybe I would believe you. But if you told me I would be journaling his ridiculous behavior on the Web and writing in his ridiculous tough-guy Raymond Chandler voice, I'd laugh and ask you who the hell Raymond Chandler was.
As far as I'm concerned, Loki wrote the book on crackery. When I got him, I had no idea what I was in for. Blogging about that crackery helped us discover we are not alone, but in a world filled with cracked-out dogs. And because of that, Wild Dingo, for the second year in a row, is a proud sponsor of Mango Minster, only the hippest, most righteous annual dog show on the Net. This year, all categories are open to all critters, canine, feline, equine, bovine and more. Naturally we sponsor the cracker critters category.
In addition, this year, Loki was honored with being called to Judge the cracker category at Mango Minster. And as a cracker would do be prone to do, he jumped 87 feet high for joy at the opportunity. Obviously, Loki knows a lot about being a cracker. Just check out his entry for the first year cracker was offered at Mango Minster.
For those out there not familiar with cracker dogs, here are a few photos and videos to demonstrate a few of their fine qualities:
Toof-Showin' Bitey Face isn't just a sport. It's a lifestyle.
Highly and vocally opinionated.
Um, Dogtor Hilary, don’t look back. There’s an long-toothed Formosanorous Rex behind you. Stay perfectly calm. I hear they will walk away if you just remain still. Or at least shut their pie hole.
Full of sass while they're trying to look like Cujo.
"Cupcake come any closer and I'll cancel your Christmas."
Able to leap to tall tugs in a single bound.
"Your tug, is lifting me higher, than I've ever, been lifted, before." Sing it babies!
Speaking of singing: They usually have an inappropriate crush.
"My momma told me when I was young, we were all born superstars."
They have irrational fears.
“You mean to tell me you did ALL THAT WORK just for a drink of water that you could have gotten less than a foot away without any work?”
“Yes but Princess, the Lac Leman-ness Monster is constantly moving that lake and he’s gonna get me!”
And in case you didn't know, cracker dogs are a little edgy .
I could go on and on about the unexplainable zoomies, non-stop talking, hissyfits and well, just more plain crackery. But I think you get the picture.
Naturally, the show is very competitive, so there are allegations of judge-bribing running rampant among the blogosphere. But here's Loki's official response to all of that:
"It’s totally hip-to-the-tip to be called for jury duty at Mango Minster. The cracker category is only the most righteous category in the show. Top of the heap, babies.
Some crackers are born. Some crackers are made. I was born and made a cracker. I was one of the first crackers outted on the ‘Net. And I know all the cracker tricks in the book. Crackery isn’t about blowin’ your jets or losin’ your cool. It’s about flippin’ your wig, chargin’ your choppers and blasting yourself whacky for no reason at all.
Just because I’m a cracker doesn’t mean I don’t have ethics. I got a points system. But it’s under wraps. After all, cracker rules supreme. Chaos is part of the game.
Word on the street is that some judges at Mango Minster are on the take. But not me. This ain’t no flimflam. And I ain’t no goon from Saskatoon. I got morals. They may be low, but they’re morals. And living in Switzerland, I’ve already got friends in the bones and treats bank.
But every hepcat has his price babies. So if you are into bribing, fess up. Throw me a bone in the giggle department. See if I take the bait.
So don’t let the grass grow in your ears. Get up and hit the crackery high and hard. Give me a large charge with your entry. Then fall in and dig the happenings babies. Go, cool cat, go!"
As his PR agent, I can tell you, I've never seen him on the take. He's cracked-out for sure, but he's always been loyal and righteous. Sometimes a little too righteous if you catch my drift. Still, it takes a cracker to know a cracker and I'm pretty certain that though I haven't seen him on the take, only a real cracker dog can flip him to the dark side.
So are you cracker enough to crack the King of Crackers? Go ahead and try. I won't report you. Honest.
No cash for the treat jar but you'd like to show the love? No problem! Connect with me on LinkedIn and endorse my creative writing skills. Thanks for the love!
"Your project is guaranteed to meet superior Siberian standards or I will fatally masticate it. You have my "woo" on that!"
"I keep your project safe from crows, coyotes, and flies. I prefer to be paid in salmon treats and tennis balls."
"I manage the treat jar & the staff's daily payroll of cookies and bones. The staff is excellent at math and let me know when I come up short."