The Honorable Loki J. Starling
Judge of Cracker Critters, Mango Minster 2012
The winners of the Cracker Critter Category (say that 5 times fast, crackers) at Mango Minster 2012 are announced today. Loki had the honor of judging this year's cracker critters. I don't know what he liked best: reading all those posts about other dogs exactly like him or wearing his Judge's "Mad Hatter" cap and bow. One thing's for sure, we both had to read these posts in stages. Remember, crackery is contagious!
Here's a bit of Loki's pre-show Judging speech:
"This year, the crackers were straight off the cob and A-1 in ethics. Aside from Lacie’s musings, there was nadda in the bribes department.
Zero. Zilch. Zippo.
Surprising for a group of crackers. I mean of all the dogs in all the world, cracker dogs could really put the bite on someone. All any of one of them had to suggest was a huge round of zoomies followed by some big bitey action with me, and first place would have been his or hers for the taking. Instead the entire competition went down cornball style.
It’s a good thing too, because I really dig the happenings of crackers around the world. I even got to learn a thing or two.
Now for those folks out there who are not familiar with what a real cracker dog is, lemme break it down for you:
Cracker dogs are not just a little silly with a few goofy bounces or illogical anxieties. They are deep-down, certifiably crazy to the core, non-stop, 24-7. Cracker dogs are every headshrinker’s goldmine with more than just a few screws loose in their wigs. They have absurd neurosis and ridiculous obsessions that constantly result in non-stop, whacky activities.
At the heart of every cracker dog’s coping mechanisms are zoomies and bouncing. If a cracker can’t bounce or zoomie he or she may just spontaneously combust!
The competition was fierce this year. While all the entries had elements of crackerdom, only a few dogs could be classified as insane mental fits cracker. And let’s be grateful to that. The world can only hold so many whack-a-doodles.
When the old lady reviewed my final decisions, she made a face at my decision for the tie for first place.
“Loki,” she said, “we’re not made of money. Since we’re giving out the first place prize, you have to choose one winner, not two.”
So I cracked my best toofer smile at her demand:
"Never mess with a cracker in power!"
Needless to say, she saw the light and muttered something about teaching an extra yoga class to raise the funds.
So if anyone is about to blow a fuse because of the tie for first place, and would like to Monday morning quarterback this competition, lemme lay it on you: It ain’t easy being around this much cracker. Reading those cracker posts put me into my own state of crackerdom.
So just sit back and dig the happenings, hipsters."
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